Airport Watch, Round Two: Asian Acclimation

7 Jul

After an overnight sojourn in Vancouver (during which I visited my dear Uncle Chris and his girlfriend Annie’s giant, docile Dobermans), I’m now sitting comfortably in Vancouver International Airport, awaiting my flight to Tokyo! It’s a bustling nexus of activity, and boy oh boy are there some interesting people here.

And Asians, did I mention them? Yeah. There’s a lot of those.


Wei enjoyed a prolific career as a stuntman in Hong Kong’s action cinema scene, appearing as Chow Yun-Fat’s stunt double in Hard Boiled and Internal Affairs. Speaking of affairs, he also enjoyed a torrid tryst with Yun-Fat’s then-wife Candice Yu. They were found out when Wei miscalculated his jump while vaulting over Mrs. Yu’s balcony and ended up crashing headfirst into a purse vendor on street level. He suffered a debilitating penile fracture in the fall, ending both the affair and his stunt career in one fell swoop. He is now retired and living in Shanghai with his mother, spending most of his time rigging mahjong games at hotel bars.


Zhou smuggles contraband toys into North America as part of an elaborate scheme to win back the love of his estranged daughter. Known in the East as “The Barbie Baron”, he employs ancient and very secret Asian bootlegging techniques and takes inspiration from his hero, Han Solo. He also enjoys country music and talk radio, and is an unimaginable disappointment to his father.


Japan’s own “SuperNanny”, Yukiko prides herself on her one-sixteenth British heritage, making a point to teach “God Save The Queen” to all children under her care (albeit with radically mispronounced lyrics). She tried to make crumpets once, and nearly poisoned her nine-year-old charge by confusing bleaching powder for flour. She wrote a strongly-worded letter to the manufacturer demanding more clearly legible packaging, but has yet to receive a reply.

IMG_1268Not all stories that course through this airport were born in Asia. Wally and Wilbur Wazikowski, a.k.a. “The Stache Brothers”, are notorious on the west coast for their criminal exploits. Born in Poland and raised on a diet of Bonanza reruns and abject poverty, they emigrated to British Columbia and styled themselves as cattle-wranglin’ men of fortune. Wally (pictured right) is both half an inch taller and forty-two seconds older than his fraternal twin, and is the de facto leader of the duo. Wilbur deeply resents his brother’s easygoing congeniality, which often earns him the spotlight, and is detached and aloof as a result. Due to Wilbur’s financial mismanagement, they were forced to sell their Richmond ranch and take jobs as airport security. They are still deadly shots, however, and will not hesitate to put a bullet in you if you so much as look at them funny.

IMG_1276Speaking of bullets: Yvgeny is a Chechen assassin, recently returned from a bungled contract in South Korea. His target was a high-ranking auto industry executive whose appetite for prostitutes and embezzlement had upset his fellow board members. They’re a bunch of hypocritical assholes, but whatever, they rang up the Chechans first. Winners write the history books, right? Yvgeny was poised in his sniper’s nest, ready to pull the trigger and put a serious kibosh on his target’s game of nude Twister, but the sudden appearance of a geriatric latecomer to the party triggered a long-dormant memory of his grandmother killing his other grandmother with a rolling pin, and he was sobbing so violently that when he did pull the trigger the rifle twitched to the left and blew open a seeing-eye dog in the next room over. Yvgeny expects his employers to dispose of him within forty eight hours.

IMG_1277Jagdeep is a Kashmir fashion model, whose magnificent face-fur was recently featured in GQ’s special international release of their “Beard Fancy” periodical. Voted “Most Likely To Seduce An Infidel” in his high school yearbook, Jagdeep prides himself on his bachelorhood and favours redheads with green eyes. His only vice, apart from nubile white girls, is designer watches. His collection is the envy of portable timepiece enthusiasts the world over, especially his crowning piece: the Rolex worn by Timothy Dalton in License To Kill (which he bought at auction for a staggering $38,000 US).


Despite the variety of races and creeds we’ve encountered here today, the vast majority of people in Vancouver International were children of the East. I felt a comfortable companionship in their presence, and they served as an excellent way to dip my toes into the waters of Asia. I’ve had but a taste of what it will be like to swim in a sea of noble narrow-eyed nationalities. Soon I’ll plunge right in – and there will be lots more to talk and laugh about.



2 Responses to “Airport Watch, Round Two: Asian Acclimation”

  1. Your father July 7, 2013 at 10:54 am #

    Jono, no one can access the blog from their smart phone. Three of us have tried. What are we doing wrong?

    • jcdynamite July 7, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

      Thanks for telling me! I made some changes to the format. You shouldn’t have any problem now.

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