Threepenny Thursday – A New Ratings System!

16 Aug

Let’s face facts – review and ratings systems are broken. It’s a pointless exercise to try and quantify life, especially when we’re talking about putting number values on art (music, film, video games, etc.). Every system is different, be it “stars”, “percentages”, “fractions”, or what have you, and every one is deeply flawed. How do you really compare a 6/10 with a 7/10? How do you approach two different things which score the same – for example, you might give Community’s “Modern Warfare” episode an 85%, but what happens when you give Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood the same percentage? Can you really balance a television episode, written, filmed, and edited in a month, against a video game, which takes several years to produce? How do different ratings systems themselves compare with one another? It’s an awful mess. But I think I have the answer. Ready?

Screw it.

That’s right, screw it. I was perfectly comfortable with the idea that all my reviews needed were words; that you, the reader, would have the patience to sit down and hear my detailed explanation of why you should or should not spend your time with the movie/album/game/gewgaw/tchotchke in question. But my father made the suggestion that I include a ratings system of some kind for these Thursday jaunts you and I enjoy together. Since he’s my biggest fan, I figured I had best take his advice into account. With that – and the grudging knowledge that I’ll be working within those ineffectual, inadequate parametres which define most ratings systems – I am now pleased as punch to present the Jeff Goldblum Rating Index!

Get used to that smouldering mug, folks, ‘cuz yer gonna see it every Thursday. If I base all my decisions in life on picking the classiest option (I do), and Jeff Goldblum is the classiest person I’m aware of (he is), then ipso facto bingo bongo there you go! I can think of no better way to represent the stuff I endorse than sticking Jeff Goldblum’s sensually suggestive visage on it. Just look at that photo; it is practically pornographic in its effect. Imagine this was a sticker, placed on products recommended by Jeff. If seeing it wouldn’t spur you to buy that shit IMMEDIATELY then I don’t think you and I can be friends anymore.

So the point is, when you see Jeff’s seductive smirk, you know whatever I’m jabbering about is worth your time. If you don’t, it’s probably not. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. Not satisfied with a simple, binary, Ebertesque yay or nay? You think I can’t deliver a nuanced quantitative rating like the best of ’em? Well, get a load o’ THIS:

Bam! That there represents an unreasonably sexy 5 out of 5 Jeffs, which means that you’d be either an idiot or a eunuch to miss out.

That’s 3 out of 5 Jeffs, usually indicative of something flawed but enjoyable. Definitely worth your investment but with a wrinkle or two – a scrumptious melody with bland, uninspired lyrics, say; or a tasteless fart joke in the middle of a sex scene. Whatever. Getting the idea?

Oh shits, we gettin’ some gradient up ins. That’s 2 and a half Jeffs, which barely scrapes by with a recommendation. Like that same joke in that same sex scene, only it’s being delivered by Christopher Walken. I mean…yes, this is definitely something you want to see, but there might be some residual cognitive damage.

You’ll notice that my 5-Jeff formula will never dip below 1 half-Jeff (which would represent something like a melty ice cream cone – kinda gross, but still better than the majority of whatever you put in your mouth. Remember, even half a Jeff Goldblum is worth more than most things). If, however, something I choose to review turns out to be so vile, so heinous, so utterly deplorable that I would be ethically remiss in recommending it, you’ll be slapped in the face with THIS!

Oh good Christ! Terrifying, no? That adorable image is from The Fly, halfway through Jeff’s charming transformation into a human fly-man monster thing. When you see it on a review here, run. For the love of God, run! Whatever I’m reviewing is so bad, it might actually kill you.*

So there you have it! Now my reviews are still as penetrating, eloquent, and modestly phrased as always, but with the added bonus of some (intriguingly sexy) numbers so you yokels can wrap your brains around what I’m trying to say. Hope it helps!

And hey! I made it through this whole post without actually reviewing anything! HA! Guess you’ll have to wait until next week for more of my scintillating insight.

Seriously though, you guys are awesome. Thank you for continuing to read, and I hope my new piping-hot ratings system makes my ranting a bit more palatable for you. Mwah.

*Probably will not result in death

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One Response to “Threepenny Thursday – A New Ratings System!”

  1. jamescummings August 17, 2012 at 11:24 am #

    I give this blog post 5 Jeff Goldblums. 🙂

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