Metre Monday – “Pottermore”

14 May

Welcome to Metre Monday! Plain and simple: each Monday a piece of poetry, whether putrid or pure, will be prudently placed upon this plinth. Christ, I love alliteration. Is it obvious?

This week, I transcribe (with apologies to the great Mr. Poe) my first impressions of the Harry Potter web experience, Pottermore.


Once upon a Tuesday boring, amidst a Super Meat Boy scoring,

My inbox was filled to bursting with a message which it bore.

My iPhone my hand was holding; stood I there, the thing beholding,

And my surprise was such I nearly dropp’d it to the floor:

“You’re invited,” quoth the email, “To a world of magic lore.

Welcome, friend, to Pottermore!”


A fierce excitement now begotten, my platforming efforts forgotten,

Scrambl’d I out of the bedroom with a swiftness lithe and quick.

To my laptop I was guided; finding then the link provided,

Marshall’d I my strength and focus and was prompted thus to click:

“Join the multitude of people giving Muggledom the kick.

Sign up now – it’s pretty slick!”


Heard I the tales of cool design, and other gems within to find,

But for these trifling trappings and diversions I cared not.

What need had I of petty games, for children with atrocious names?

Of paramount importance were the wand and house I got.

This I cared about. A lot.


But more than this was I excited, to feel a love left unrequited:

A taste of cut-out Potter lore would be all mine to see.

Rowling, that quirky writing queen, my fondest Muse had ever been,

And now her background histories would be reveal’d to me!

Hot and turgid was my glee.


“O precious Muse! On cherubs borne, show not me your audacious scorn!

(The one that you reserve for the most rabid of your fans.)

Instead, bestow your sacred text, so that I may thereby reflect,

Upon the genius of your plots and cleverly-laid plans.”

Waited I, and rubb’d my hands.


Logg’d in was I, my passion fired, and was at once duly required

To choose a username from a premeditated list.

No choice had I in naming, and my pedigree in gaming

Caus’d me to react with rancor at this unexpected twist.

“Are you kidding me?” I hiss’d.


Chose I then the one least shifty: “SickleNettle Eight Two-Fifty” (?),

My experience thus tainted with a faint (but nasty) pall.

“So what,” cried I, the optimist, “of little do our names subsist;

There lies beyond these quibbles great and wondrous things withal!”

…Measur’d I my bubbling gall.


Next came a trip to Ollivander, that wizened sage of truthful candour,

Whose peering eyes would choose the wand to which I’d be forsworn.

After questions, deep and cutting, my secrets and true nature gutting,

Gifted to me was a hazel twig with hair of unicorn.

Nothing less than pure wand porn.


At last! Through gates of Hogwarts pass’d, midst sounds of students breaking fast,

Walls catching Hagrid-shapèd shadows, genial and fat,

Spied I the witch at top of stair, who called in voice both stern and fair,

“Prepare yourselves for judgment by the wisdom of our Hat!”

Fuggen’ pumped was I for that.


Sat I with teeth all set and clenching, my skin with sweat ashine and drenching,

Hopèd I with all my fervour to be put in Ravenclaw.

Through the Hat’s deliberation, I began to feel elation!

But if as though to spite me, “Hufflepuff!” was all I saw.

Quoth I, miserably: “Aww.”


My laptop then in sadness closing, and thence away in mirror posing,

Question’d I my self-same heart as if we’d never met before.

My fists thrust skyward, pulse a-pouncing, as like a Kirk in “Khan” pronouncing,

Bellow’d I my rage and sorrow as I fell upon the floor.

Shouted I thus: “POTTERMORRRRE!”


2 Responses to “Metre Monday – “Pottermore””

  1. Jim CEO May 15, 2012 at 11:43 am #

    You’ve outdone yourself, Jojo. Very nice!

    • Some GY May 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm #

      More like “Super Metering Boy” if you ask me. But know one is asking, are they? Hey “Cabby”: keep the taximeter running, I’ll just be a moment, my Potter needs to go Poe Poe.

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